Sometimes its good to know your not alone.
Thankgod for the internet.
Luckily this bloke isn’t deaf. But suffers, like I do, from tinnitus.
In a way the deafness is a problem you get used to, in many ways, in a way, it is a pain, knowing you should be hearing or joining in a conversation but don’t hear well enough, so give in, or just hang back.
Some people say I have selective hearing, I personally select to bloody hear properly, believe me this is a right pain in jack ass.
Mainly the hearing is a problem in noisy environment or places with fans and such like in the background, or just background noise makes things harder for me to hear what it is I’m meant to be hearing. Everything is one volume, or seams it for what ever reason, especially if there are several people talking in the same vicinity, which may seam obvious but not in the way I hear it as it all gets jumbled. The other day I went to Asda and between the fridges humming and the constant radio in the background, all I wanted to do was escape the building as quickly as possible, bollocks what I went in for. What ever it was doing it was really annoying my brain and making me uncomfortable. It doesn’t happen everywhere, but in particular I notice it happens in Asda Cannock. What you hear you hear, what you don’t, you don’t and move on in an oblivion.
What isn’t apparent, is the constant tinnitus, that never goes away, and is with you for all the hours you are awake.
And its not the same noise everyday.
And its not the same volume.
It can become very irritating and soul destroying, there is no escape.
The one thing the hearing aid helps with is to keep my brain busy with “what” the hearing aid keeps the broken ear busy with, that the brain is trying to listen to but is not there without it. I don’t hear with it properly, which I’m sure most people think I do. It helps with direction of where sound is coming from to a degree, and say in the Depeche mode concert, I actually took it out as it made matters worse not better in what I was hearing over all – it was loud enough in there to cover the tinnitus noise. The “sounds” my hearing aid gives me on an “everyday basis”, my brain likes these sounds, and helps cover the tinnitus, while the sounds can be a distraction from what the good ear is trying to hearing, it is more comforting than listening to the tinnitus. Yeah odd. But comforting. But note that it can make it harder to concentrate on the good ear. Practice makes perfect and I have a fair few years to keep practicing.
It’s a compromise in many ways. Just like the fact that when I take out my hearing aid the tinnitus is louder. And it often is nearly always louder than when I had put it in, as stimulating the ear actually makes the tinnitus worse when the hearing aid is removed or out afterwards. So when I go to bed, the tinnitus I try to go to sleep with can be annoyingly loud. Or seams louder than when I put the hearing aid in first thing in the morning.
However for most of the day, it helps keep me sane from the noise within my head, where as without it I’m ready to go to bed at around 3pm to give me a rest from that god dam buzzing sound.
Stress, anxiety, worry, trying to do too much, or doing things too quickly makes it worse. Sometimes I like to listen to my music, listening to music with my big earphones, but I know afterwards I’m going to regret the tinnitus afterwards as it makes it much louder for an unknown duration afterwards. Again it is a compromise there! Pleasure and pain! So I don’t listen to music often like that, or in the car.
Relaxing and staying relaxed, calms it down and keeps its volume low. Sometimes if I’m relaxed enough, it is just to a fizzle noise, in a way that is nice, as that is as good as it gets. Although sometimes no matter what I do, it is just plain annoyingly is loud, for what appears to be no particular reason.
So often it may appear that I don’t care or give a hoot.
I probably do actually, but I’m no longer rushing through life. For me the key is to do things, but do it in a relaxed manner. No rushing, no dead lines. I’ll get there when I do, it will get done when it does.
And with the tinnitus sometimes I wake up in the night and the tinnitus is loud, so very loud and then I am buggered to get back to sleep. That doesn't it make for a good day when I do get up.
Things are better a year on, lets hope that keep getting better, I feel so much better within. But maybe that was just going and seeing Depeche Mode.
I ramble on and hope Ade’s visit to the USA helps him. As he says there is no cure, yet, but they are working on it.